A strange thing to write about . . .
Not really as I see a lot of very strange (to me) styles of parenting as people bring their difficult toddlers and children (fairly feral if not getting their own way) – and I often wonder – did no one tell these people the role of a parent? Did they just think all the stuff that their parents did, that they choose not to was just all personal, and that their parents really didn’t like their kids enough to give them everything the kid thought they wanted?
I say this as I often have very distressed mothers in who are looking for baby number two, and baby number one rules their every moment – waking and sleeping (or not). What resources are left over to make the next one – let alone fit in growing it, feeding it and being there in the same capacity for the second, as number one thinks is his/her right?
I was mentioning this to a woman yesterday who told one of her encounter at the supermarket – little prince was jumping up and down on a display – she asked him not to – he nodded his head and whilst looking at her – continued. She asked him again not to, and he got down off his castle, came around to where she was and planted a huge kick at her leg.
- So what is missing here?
- When is he going to be socialised into what is expected in the wider world?
- Who is going to do what exactly when he does this in day care/school/out there in the world?
- Especially when he gets bigger and has even more attitude?
What I Did
This is a pertinent point as we all have opinions when not in the situation – it is always different when you are placed there yourself. My foray into maternity emerged accidentally when I was living in the back of the hills in northern New South Wales in the 1970’s – a far cry from where I was brought up myself in middle class 1950/60’s middle New Zealand.
When I was little, we went off to church every Sunday to Sunday school, and were regimented with sleeping/eating/ everything. At school there were classes of well over 40 students and if we did not toe the line, we were helped to be more compliant by corporal punishment – and just getting a not ‘OK’ report at the end of term was enough to distress us – we were inherently good as we had always had severe boundaries which were always enforced.
Time moves on.
Prior to being pregnant, I had gotten myself a pup and raised him. Not knowing how to, I just ignored him when he was doing what I did not want – and was very present for him when he did.
He soon learnt to anticipate my responses, and was a voice command perfect animal – he was with me most of the day, he ran alongside me when travelling – on a push bike – and he was a very happy animal – he knew what was expected of him, it was always consistent, and there was plenty of everything his heart desired. He was a model of the benefits of the best of positive reinforcement.
I even said that I thought having a dog was great practice for child raising – not that I had ever intended to have one of my own (let alone four as it turned out).
So when my first was very young; having had no experience with children or babies, I just followed what I had done with the puppy. Sounds outrageous but the dog was perfect – so why would I break that template? Let him tell me what he needed, and provide it. How would I know – he was the one in that body . . . . Possibly due to my also being a very conscious person, very respectful of his spirit, and knowing that I had NO IDEA what was going on for him, I followed his lead.
We had no disputes.
Time moved on again and here we were in now different houses – dad in one – visited whenever he wanted to see him and in mine . . . . I noticed that Dad had no boundaries, nor friends who had had children. This all quickly disintegrated to a problem – after visiting dad where no rules applied – or at best very different expectations held of him – Sean had to be socialised back into what happened at mums house.
This lead to me feeling as though I was the dragon lady – as he would test me out for sometimes days until he had tried all the walls and corners of the constructed cage of appropriate behaviours that happened in mum’s house.
Then we were perfectly happy – and he went off to dads again and we repeated it all over again. He had to check to see if consistency was happening – and when it was and I did everything the same, EVERY time – he took a shorter and shorter time to fit back in.
This was very wearying. I could not talk over what was happening as his dad saw it as me wanting to control things. He was right – small people and animals need guidance and consistency is often the very first thing that goes when a child did travelling between two realities as mum and dad rarely are on the same page – especially if they are now separate.
Playing one parent of against another’s not what would be tolerated in a functional household where the parents had put parenting first as a priority.
It would seem these days that between all the pressures put on mum doing both the mum and helping with the dad (provider) shift, and dad being both also – expected to take over the screaming bundle the instant he walks in the door) something has to give – and it is the quality time that mums spent with their kids – the teaching ‘right from wrong’ stuff . . . socialising.
What happens at home becomes the foundation for what happens out there in the bigger world. If kids are shown through example respect and graciousness – waiting for their turn and knowing their lace n the world (at the bottom of the hierarchy therefore respected and having all provided – including direction) then all is easy.
BUT the parents have to acknowledge that this is part of their job description/role.
Often it would seem that this is being outsourced through child care arrangements.
Unfortunately the bonds of love may not be as strong when the current birthing practices and work related pressures come between a young mammal and its mother and the order that a regular (though possibly boring for mum) schedule ever altering brings.
The inner discipline of going to bed at the same time, of having very regular naps to allow growing and developing brains and nervous systems to grow properly is lost n all the cafe and play dates and busyness visited onto young things as their mums keep their lives going.
Without inner discipline, outer discipline is impossible.
Where to Start?
Life can get more interesting – I ended up with a massively brain injured daughter who was also highly autistic (please see Mercury contamination) and also how to fix it.
What to do with the outrageous screaming and abhorrent behaviours??
If you are also having problems that your parents and professionals seem to be doubting/suggesting it is all a matt r of discipline – there may actually be a case for un-breaking your child.
What do I mean?
The Difference Between Now And When You/Your Mother Were Born
Modern babies are exposed to all manner of apparently ‘safe’ interferences.
Innumerable fetal scans that are NOT ACTUALLY SAFE – they are shown to alter fetal DNA – and especially prior to 13 week s- when baby stops actually differentiating and then is just growing . . . it is a very unsound practice.
- Mum and baby not choosing birth day – when mum is ready to be a mum and baby is ready to start being independent and breathing by themselves.
- Baby may well have arrived full of all sorts of drugs on board courtesy of mum’s ride through the ‘safety’ of modern obstetric services.
- Baby may not have been allowed to be born vaginally at all, setting baby in a path of poor health than s/he was designed to enjoy. The first inoculation happens coming through contact with mum’s birth canal so all the bacteria and other naturally occurring flora can allow his/her immune system to start working well.
- Baby NOT getting their cord blood (what they have been breathing through the placenta through all their life to date) – as it is a very valuable and free resource for research.
- NOT then being allowed to sleep on its tummy so it CAN sleep and deeply (see www.cotlife200.com to understand what causes cot death and how to avoid it altogether).
- Unfortunately MERCURY and other very nasty neurological toxins are being introduced in the name of safety (retail driven) and these very dangerous chemical are messing about with the baby/toddler/child’s ability to be reasonable.
- Investigating the SAFETY of vaccinating a newborn (and with something they are unlikely to ever be exposed to – but the dire dangers to the nervous system of being exposed to such drastic chemicals (www.vaccinationbdebate.com can start you off here – just searching the internet for the general topic will amaze you. Who is looking after your baby’s interests? What about a life time of trying to UNBREAK what should never have happened?
So here we are in the midst of a discipline article and here you are seeing how it may have all happened – and next what to do to ‘fix’ (what should never have happened – and would not had there been more transparency and less fear in the debates).
What to Do to Undo All of This?
If you think that there is a problem – there is one – regardless of what others may try to calm you down by saying. Sometimes others are saying there is a problem – and you don’t want to hear this. Either way – we all have a basic idea of what should be, and if there is some disagreement – there is always a middle ground of moderation. Seeking professional help is NOT always the path to knowledge – as they may have a set of information that is well outside where you need to be headed.
Often your child is just not well.
Not ill either – and the GP and paediatrician won’t have many bright ideas for you.
This means if you really are serious about being a conscious parent you may need to go down the path a lot of parents have trod before you – work it out for yourself.
Working WITH the body (natural medicine) is far gentler and often the only way to ‘fix’ what is happening. It is just not the path that the biomedical advocates will subscribe to. Usually there is no drug to enable normal to return – usually you have to undo what BROKE the well/normal/expected programme – and GPs and biomedical specialists have moved right away from working with the body (as evidenced by the whole birthing business as outlined above).
So to go troubleshooting –
- Sometimes it is just a matter of stopping all external things and concentrating on a simple routine.
- Often it is a matter of mum getting much more sleep/support and baby then settling down as the energy/aura around mum is more peaceful – baby can relax.
- Your child or baby may be shocked – birth trauma drops available – (CLICK)
- Sometimes visiting a good osteopath or other structural person to correct minor (though very distressing) mechanical faults can work wonders.
- It may also be that there are far too many interference signals for baby/toddler to be able to process information/develop the brain properly.
- Good nutrition/plenty of rest and calmness and order are part of this equation.
- A lot of it may be simply undoing what should never have been there – and stopping all other vaccinations as there is NO EVIDENCE for its safety in anyone under 13 years of age.
What I Did
This may not be provable except if you take a personal stand and try removing all these chemical nasties. Recently what I have used on my adult children has been scientifically validated (not just anecdotally as I can write below). There are massive benefits in removing what should never have been inserted in our precious infants – and selves. We are all carrying about the residue from dental amalgams from our grandparents/parents carried forth as microscopic legacies from their forebears.
I looked at this as a major issue for my damaged daughter. I had had major dental work done when pregnant with her and my tooth stump was coated in mercury – and hence she receives not just the echo of all her grandmother’s inheritance through my unwitting exposure when I was inside her (my mother), but all that I have that her older brothers copped PLUS a very special delivery that created (in my opinion having thought and researched this for 23 years now) her massive autistic overlay to her brain injury as a result. I started her on the liquid zeolites to undo this when she was 19 years old – her behaviours were super entrenched.
Within TWO days of taking some drops (which I suspected would appear miraculous – and they were) her behaviours settled down. As she was not aware of them, and her carers had no idea of what would happen, and as she was very highly autistic – this was nothing short of totally life changing. There is now clinical research of what this is doing.
Four years ago it was a matter of faith – they said it did this, and I knew this was one avenue I had NOT tried for her and within days to have her with a far better quality of life meant that she is now so much easier to live with and be with and she will be on it forever.
I have found something else that goes further – but the starting point is remove what is irritating the nervous system/stopping normal from expressing itself.
The next step is to ensure good quality rest is possible. Often the removal of shock and its aftermath is what is holding up good digestion and the rest is a cyclic issue – when rested, one works better- and one sleeps better when everything works –so how to get babies/toddlers to sleep? Once they rest, so can you – another circle. Perhaps also speak to Julie at www.calmbabysolutions.bounce.com.au
Perhaps also focus on undoing all that you can to allow normal to happen naturally.
See also “The Law” article