(written 1998) Some of this is fairly raw/ more like a journal for me to work out just ‘what was I doing???’ after the dust settled down.

STAGE ONE – pregnancy – 1st few months – 1986

Initially, the awareness that she was not as her brothers in utero, that there was no sense of connection mother-fetus.

An awareness that there was something very different about the pregnancy and birth.

An awareness, once she was born, that all was not well with this one.

There was a total lack of medical interest in the incoherence of her blood results, her apparent lack of eye contact, or indeed ability to open her eyes in any light, and her amazing ability to vomit through her nose.

A descent into hell, as she lost all vestiges of normal baby behaviour, all the while the process being denied by the paediatrician, who conducted all check-ups by phone, through his receptionist.

Eventual emergency admission to hospital, fitting and near death.

STAGE TWO – Initial trying to die – 1986

The arrival of the heroically rescued (through a myriad of medical, and her mother’s interventions), massively brain damaged baby.
Beginning new life.
Her mum clawing her way back to some semblance of normal.

All the while, baby attempting to exit, via obscure viral illnesses, refusal to sleep and no doubt visceral chaos brought about by often non stop screaming, fighting life.

STAGE THREE – mother’s fierce battles – 1987

Not taking this lying down

Finding a neurological rehabilitation programme to begin the long road back to rewiring, reconnecting and awakening her very compromised neural hardware.

Rotational exclusion diet was started for her from 2 1/4 years of age, when she as weaned.
I had missed the needs of me (me often very very ill , not sleeping and overly stretched) whilst breastfeeding her.

Concurrently continuing with the structural rebalances,
various chiropractors,
Reiki from 7 months to 14 months of age weekly to attempt to stabilise the rage, hatred and horror that the baby felt and emanated

Many very helpful health enhancing solutions to any issues as they arose.

STAGE FOUR – add in AUTISM – always there

Realising that autism was as much a factor of the puzzle as the frank brain injury.

Finding a more comprehensive neurological programme, and being joyfully inducted into the altered state parents are in, in order to live and breathe rescue on the scale required to win back some of what could have been.

STAGE FIVE – gradual awareness that different strategies needed – 1988

The realisation that Skye was incapable of going forward until the underlying issues, as yet unknown, but very obviously there, were worked with.

Finding a metaphysical counselor to delve into the non standard realities that were larger than our realities for the very, very traumatised little one.

As a consequence, Skye attempted to get us to kill her, by strangulation.

Consequently, all volunteers were thanked and released, as we attempted to make sense of the new behaviours.

STAGE SIX three and a half – mum worn out – change of us – 1989

Eventual maternal exhaustion, awareness of the need to ditch child, or go under self.
Last hurrah – a mother and daughter holiday to say goodbye, as her mother’s intention was to somehow release her into care.
A personal realization that ‘I can’t do this any more’.
Very strangely, a new me emerged.

A new her emerged.
Totally different self, renamed. Now Kathryn. Stunningly different.
Wanting to be related to and with.
No longer fighting touch, in fact wanting it.
Needing to be with people. Needing to be loved. (A miracle).

The gradual reintegration into semblance of ‘normal’.
Pre school, special school, someone there who was able to be related with and to – and who wanted and NEEDED touch and inclusion as a person. Who needed love.

STAGE SEVEN – post MMR jab – early ’90’s

Gradual descent into another hell.
Pushed over by MORE mercury poisoning – this time the MMR that I had decided to give her (when 4 years old) when she was the most well and least autistic she had ever been.

What a disaster – to spend the next year attempting to salvage her life and her sanity . . ..
Of screaming throughout all summer.
Of eventually fitting massively, of me considering allowing her to slip away in one of these nearly hour long sessions – just as I had given her the gift of life (without checking if that was OK by her), and thus the awareness that neither she could be expected to live this horror any longer, or I could afford in any aspect of my life, to continue as we were.

STAGE EIGHT – Asked for help – and got ?? 1994

Solution — unplanned or wanted pregnancy

Creating huge drama.

Choice to not abort.
The turning upside-down of life as we had known it, and a journey back to ‘home’ – NZ, where the government in setting up better systems of support, parents seemed recognised as being victims of circumstance; to be supported, not sidelined, ignored and punished by the keepers of public purse.

STAGE NINE – change country – new baby 1995

The realisation that none of us could continue: –
Josh (aged then 11) as the surrogate Dad for much loved sister, and baby brother, or me as sole parent in a new land, of three very diverse children, with no financial or domestic security.
Kathryn to stay in my native land (NZ), fostered out, Josh sent to Perth to be with his father, and I back to Australia to attempt to give the new baby a settled home with his Mum and Dad.
A dream, that did not follow Hollywood scripting.
DID NOT WORK OUT.

STAGE TEN – (written 1998)

I was not only her mother.
Her brothers had to be considered.
Not sure I ever added me into the picture, as I was always too busy fixing everyone else.

Became a childless mother.
Maternal burnout, to try to retreat into making sense of the entire process, concurrently acting as a very functional fixer (professional and in her own life) of others’ wounds.
Father took his son.
Middle son with his dad.
Eldest son being independent late teens.
Kathryn left to the mercies of the foster care system in NZ.
Me fixing everyone else’s health and life dramas.